I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
