Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
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We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
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I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.