Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
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Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
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Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.