listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
