You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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