Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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