paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
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I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I would ride that face into the sunset