I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I love having hate sex.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.