happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
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I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath