What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
