I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important