I want leopard sheets
thats the plan
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?