Someone shit on the floor
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did