Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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