yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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