I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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