he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
