I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
