he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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