I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
