2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
