my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
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that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
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I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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