I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Im part way to drunk.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
