I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
