I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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