I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
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Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
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Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.