I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
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we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
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They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
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