the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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