can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She's allergic to latex.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...