I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
