After last night, I could never be a politician.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.