they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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