the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
