Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.