The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
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I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
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You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn