so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
