Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
