Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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