my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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