dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
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I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
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She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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