My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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