it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
