You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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