And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
