i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
false alarm, still single
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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