i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
