I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Boobs are out for the taking
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
