Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
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i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
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That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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