Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
