The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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