If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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