You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
