dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
