Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
