home. puking in laundry basket.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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